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The Dumb and The Brainless

2003-10-29 - 11:05 a.m.

There is a line in the latest Terry Pratchett book that has been echoing in my mind a lot lately: the enemy is bloody stupid people.

You know it's the truth. Stupid people have been fucking things up from day one, and it's about time for us non-stupid people to end their reign of idiocy.

If you're a stupid person reading this, I want you to read and follow my instructions very carefully: stop what ever you're doing immediately and sit very still. A Not-Stupid Person will be around shortly to assist you. You have permission to get up in order to go to the bathroom or feed yourself, but do not become distracted while doing these things, or it will go very hard for you.

I've been encountering stupid people a lot more often since I took over receptionist duties for my company. Now, we have a listing in the phonebook as a reseller for computers. However, we can only resell to state and local government agencies. We'll be pulling the listing for the next edition of the phonebook in order to cut down on confusion, but until then I will still receive at least 5 calls a day from non-government workers looking to purchase computers. My response to these people is as follows: "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, we can only resell computers to state and local government agencies. Thank you!" I try to deliver this line with a combination of sympathy for their plight as a computerless consumer and firm assurance that there will be no further assistance from our company.

I like to think that people would hear that statement, say, "Thank you!" and hang up. I would hope they would then go to the next listing in the phonebook and make another call, never to bother our company again.

If only. The stupid people I have been forced to deal with cannot handle the possibility that they might need to call another number, and therefore try a number of futile strategies to get me to give them what they want.

One of my favorites had to be when a guy said, after my "I'm sorry" speech, "Well, I'm looking for a modem." You could hear the little smirk in his voice; he tawt he found a woophole, aw . . .

I said to him, "Oh, a MODEM! Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, you silly goose! We can sell MODEMS to any Tom, Dick, and Harry that walks in off the street. Speaking of streetwalking dicks, just last week a transsexual prostitute named Heidi-Heidi Ho came in looking for a modem, and we had the loveliest chat about the new SM website she's started up with all her trans friends! It's called 'Mastresses of The Tranz Inferno" and it just has the cutest little dancing flames! She was even good enough to link us as a sponsor on the site. I'll be sure to send you the URL right after I send you your Brand! New! Modem!!!" Then I played the theme to The Price is Right.

Okay, so file that under "Things I wish I'd said." Also, did you know Rod Roddy, the announce for The Price is Right, died this week? "Come on down" will never be the same . . .

Then, of course, there are those who ask me where else they can find a computer. The following is a conversation that I wish I'd had last week:

RRZ: (in voice blending sympathy with firmness) I'm sorry ma'am, we can only resell to state and local government agencies. Thank you.

Moronica: Well, can you tell me where else I can find a computer?

RRZ: (in voice full of cheer and ready helpfulness) Of course, ma'am, but before I do, would you mind answering a question for our marketing department?

Moronica: I suppose.

RRZ: (in voice laden with gratitude and affability) Thank you so much! Now, how did you find out about our corporation?"

Moronica: The phonebook.

RRZ: (in voice drenched with honey-sweetened cyanide) Thank you so much. Now, what you need to do is go back to the phonebook and try one of the numbers that is next to ours. Be sure to get the person who helped you with big words to help you again. Thank you so much! Byeeee!

Being a better person than that (and resenting every minute of it) I usually opt for "I recommend CompUSA or the Dell website. Thank you!" If they babble on about not having a computer to look up the website with, I refer them to a beautiful company by the name of Kinko's and wish a painful, pustule-forming disease on them in my head.

Of course, all of this pales in comparison to working at a Congressman's office. My favorite phone call went something like this:

RRZ: Good afternoon, Congressman SoAndSo's office, this is The NotoriousRRZ, how may I help you?

Idiette: Yes, I was hoping that you could arrange a tour of the White House for me.

RRZ: I'm sorry, ma'am, the White House is no longer giving tours except to schools and veteran's organizations. We can arrange a tour of the Capitol for you.

Idiette: Well, I work at a school.

RRZ: I'm sorry, unless you are bringing a class, I'm unable to help you.

Idiette: I don't understand! I mean, I pay my taxes!

RRZ: Oh, you pay your taxes! Well, ma'am I am grieved mightily by this injustice and therefore will use my power as a staff assistant for a Congressman from a relatively poor district to hereby cancel your taxes for the next ten years. Now, of course, during this time you will not be subject to the protection of the police and emergency services, your children will be denied access to private schools, and we'll go ahead and drop a line to any local or international terrorist organization to be sure to send a sarin gas care package straight to your door, because we sure as hell won't be checking it for you! When the White House reopens to the general public, we'll give you a call so you can start paying taxes again. Oh, and also, will you go ahead and give me your boss's number, so I can be sure to tell him that his paying you a salary entitles him to come to your house at any time, eat your food, and stink up your bathroom, because it amounts to much the same thing! Thanks, buh-bye!"

The last part was really "Wish I could help you, ma'am," as every voter counts, but I wish I could have said what I wanted to. Well, it also could have been "Ma'am, if I were allowed into the Bush White House, I'd probably try to take a dump on his desk, so it's probably for the best that they don't let just anybody in there. Okay, laters!"

Let's face it, you know that certain stupid guy was gonna pop up in this entry eventually.

Because it was stupid to assume that the occupation of a foreign country would be simple. The fact that, as of the last count, the American death-toll of the occupation has officially exceeded the American death-toll of the war itself is clear evidence of this to anyone with half a brain. It is now time for those of us who aren't stupid to stand up and take the country back.

So watch the upcoming Democratic candidates for signs of stupidity (this aleady eliminates a number of them). Granted, even the dumbest of them would be better than Chimp-Boy, but I say we have a zero-tolerance policy for stupidity in our leaders.

And to help those of you who are with me, I am officially beginning The Notorious RRZ "Shut Up, Stupid Person" Thought of the Week. I will accept submissions from anyone at any time and might even make t-shirts for.

This week: What system of government involves the succession of leadership from parent to child, justified by a cadre of advisors who claim to make up for any shortcomings the new leader might possess?

A monarchy.

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