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Like a Candidate, Running for The Very First Time

2004-01-08 - 2:28 p.m.

Once again, I find an entry started in the morning sidelined by something I receive in the afternoon. A piece about frustrations with writing one of my last grad school application essays became a piece about irony, but I can think of no better example of irony that one I received today.

See, a while back, before General Wesley Clark had decided to run for office, I signed this online petition asking him to run. I figured he stood a pretty decent shot, since he was a military man who was nevertheless against the war. I still think he has a pretty decent shot. However, my signature on that petition has resulted in my being put on his mailing list, where I am constantly asked to donate. I don't feel like donating in the primary, myself, because I feel like I'll have wasted money if the candidate I want loses, and I am not passionate enough about any of the candidates I like (Dean, Clark, and Kucinich, although rest assured that my hatred of Lieberman and Gebhardt is passionate) to be willing to live with that money being lost if they lose. I'll save my money for the general election, thank you.

These e-mails keep coming, though, and I don't want to unsubscribe because I can imagine how disheartening it must be for the Clark-loving webmasters to take people off the list. I am really glad I haven't yet, because then I wouldn't have received the latest letter of endorsement for General Wesley Clark . . .

. . . from Madonna.

That's right folks. Madge has taken a stand and is ready to rock the vote.

Alright, so, Madonna. When I think about it, I've probably spent a lot more time liking Madonna than I have disliking her. I like her music enough to have three albums, even if two of them are greatest hits collections (the third is Ray of Light, which I really like a lot). As a red-blooded-American-homo, I pity anyone who comes between me and the dance floor if Like a Prayer comes on, because bitch is getting mowed down! I also retrospectively like her Sex period, and thought she did very well in Evita, and think she's a fantastic posterchild for post-modernism. However, I hated the last two albums and her fascination with Britney Spears, not to mention the fact that unless she's singing, girl can't act for shit. Also, I join much of America--espceially Detroit--and everyone in England when I say, "Madonna, honey, you are not British, so please stop, okay, honey, for the kids?" There's also her reputation for being as self-absorbed as a collapsed star, which is rather appropriate since her star's been on the verge of collapse for a while now.

So when I get an e-mail from Madge telling me to support Wesley Clark, I prepare myself for the laughs. And they come.

First of all, there's the first line:

"Dear Friend,

I've never done this before. But life is about taking risks is it not?"

Now, I am not one to talk about grammar, considering how I shamelessly butcher it in this diary, but this is a formal letter, despite being addressed to "Friend," because Heaven knows Madge and I spend hours dancing and knocking back flirtinis at The End after dropping Lola and Rocco off with the nanny. So, Madonna, there's a comma after "risks," and you really shouldn't begin a sentence with "But" in something like this. Also, how pretentious do you sound with your "is it not?" at the end there? As I said, honey, you are not British, and most British people don't speak that way, anyway. So, say something realtively honest, like "As someone who published a book of myself naked, I'm used to taking risks," or "Hey, I might be able to survive Swept Away, but this country sure as shit ain't gonna survive four more years of Bush, dudes." I'd repect that, and even Bush supporters would respect your being so willing to be frank about yourself.

It gets better:

"I know that people seem to pay attention to everything I do. Big or Small. Ridiculous or Sublime. So I am hoping they pay attention to this."

It takes some serious balls to say something like that when you have proven time and time again that you are willing to go to any length to remain in the public eye. Maybe if you make out with Wesley Clark at some music awards show, people will pay attention to your message.

"I am supporting General Wesley Clark for President. Not only as a 'celebrity,' but as an American citizen and as a mother."

Sorry, there needs to be an audio on that for accent identification purposes. You can never trust them foreigners these days.

"Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the 'what's in it for me?' syndrome."

Here, Madonna upbraids the current administration--no doubt including some Democrats--for being too self-centered. This is not so much the pot calling the kettle black as it is the Platonic ideal of the complete absence of light calling the kettle black. At this point, I had to stop reading, because I was about to get caught goofing off at work. I was laughing that hard.

Now, look, as I said, I am a big supporter of Wesley Clark, and an occassional Madonna fan. I certainly have no problem with celebrities endorsing candidates. In fact, I respect the Hell out of celebrities who take a stand for what they believe in, whether its through their art or through their activism.

However, when Fred Durst said, "I think we are all in agreeance that this war must not happen," he did nothing to help the cause.

Madonna's support will impress the handful of people who still live their lives by what she says. Okay, the half a handful. A lot more people are going to read her letter, groan, and think a little less of Wesley Clark for using, as a spokesperson, the woman who could teach (and probably taught) J-Lo how to famewhore.

Gen. Clark, I suggest you give Oprah a call, or someone else who is going to speak articulately about your campaign, and to all my fellow liberals who happen to be celebrities: think before you speak. You'd be one up on our president and a number of the Democratic candidates already.

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The End - 2005-02-11
Let's Go on With the Show - 2005-01-30
The Curse, and This Bee's a Keeper - 2005-02-01
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