2004-01-01 - 1:32 p.m.

Now presenting The Notorious RRZ's Resolutions for 2004, which will not be presented in style of Bridget Jones's Diary, as originally planned, but will be deliverd in own distinctive style developed in this diary, in effort to appear original and prove that writing style not ultimately derivative of the last book read (v.g.).

1. I am going to read more, as opposed to spending so much time watching TV or sleeping. Granted, this may require TiVO. You see, it would be great if I could TiVO the six or so shows I like (which I think are, at the moment, Jake 2.0, Sex and the City, and . . . some other shows, probably on The Cartoon Network, because I'm friggin' 12) and then watch them all one night of the week. Then I could spend the rest of the time reading, and not get sucked in to the abyss of self-congratulating drivel that is VH1 and E! and all those other channels that I will watch for hours in an effort to put off the rest of my life. Yeah, so this will require TiVo. Then I can finish a book one of these days. Currently, it's Love in the Time of Cholera, which rocks 70 casbahs at once. I highly recommend it. Unless the end is terrible, but I may never know.

2. I am going to recommit to being healthy, because lately I've had this attitude of "I'll do yoga after I eat these breakfast tacos and take an eight hour nap." This has resulted in clothes not fitting so well, which is a terrible thing to have happen on New Year's Eve. So this means fewer eggs, resisting the urge for PF Chang's, and doing at least 20 minutes of yoga, even if I'm drop dead exhausted. Yeah, I know, it's revolting, isn't it? I crave, CRAVE tofu now. Next thing you know I'll give up butter or something. But not cheese. Being thin feels nowhere near as good as cheese tastes. Believe me, I know.

3. In related news, I am going to start to cook this year. I know how to cook; really, there's not all that much too it. I have pretty good instincts about how to make things taste good, in an "Excuse me while I add some herbs to whatever it was that you were cooking, because, that's right, someone died and made me king of the kitchen" sort of way. I think the biggest problem has been that I am used to cooking for a lot of people, since I usually cook when making dinner for friends, so whenever I cook I make portions for five, and then it's just me, and so I eat for five people. I really feel like my alternate personalities can split the food for one, so I'll just start working harder in terms of measuring portions out. That way I can have kung pao tofu at home whenever I want (HELP ME!!! I'VE BEEN EATEN BY A VEGETARIAN!!!).

4. Speaking of working harder, I'm going to damn well get the filing organized at work. Right now, we don't file things. We just make photocopies, look at the cabinet, and go somewhere to cry to ourselves. Granted, we have electronic files that are all totally in order, but the paper needs a good reshuffling. Or a blowtorch.

5. I am going to learn how to talk to boys. Meaning cute gay boys. This involves A) getting over my shyness and my assumption that, oh God, like, a guy that cute is totally not going to want to go out with a guy like me, whatever, I'm such a nerd, and blah blah blah, and B) getting over my other assumption, that odds are that any guy I talk to for more than fifteen minutes will bore the ever loving shit out of me. I am honestly not sure which of those is the defense mechanism for which, or which one is going to be harder to get over. But I definitely need to stop telling myself stories in my head like an eighth grader. I'll totally watch a guy, turn away shyly every time he looks at me, and then decide I don't like him when he doesn't dance to a song I like. That's not the healthiest approach to things. I should decide I don't like him after we have sex, like a normal gay guy.

6. Okay, so the reason why I came up with that last one has to do with where I spent the first part of New Year's, which also relates to this resolution, which is to never, ever, EVER run the door at a party/concert again. Ever. No, seriously. I went to a friend's New Year's party/concert and was asked to man the door. I thought "Sure, it'll probably only be for a few minutes." That was before I had to spend an hour telling people that there was a $10 cover charge to sit in a coffee shop. I tried to sell the food and drinks they'd get with the charge, but they weren't buying. Oh no, but they were giving me some of the dirtiest looks of my life, and asking me how I expected to make any money, and calling me a highway robber, and making me want to go to the bar and drink an entire bottle of Bailey's. Worst of all, a lot of the people giving me these looks were really hot gay guys, including one who was . . . okay, I'm going to try to type this without crying, but I don't know if I can . . . who was AUSTRALIAN. Do you know how hard it is to be at the business end of an eye roll delivered by a hot guy in a tight T-shirt who says, "Theh's a tin dollah coveh chahge?" Hence the previous resolution, because I really wanted to get up the nerve to say something along the lines of "I'll waive the cover charge if you kiss me, right now, and then read the menu in your accent." But, you know, one that wouldn't cause a lawsuit. Anyway, yeah, never manning the door AGAIN.

7. I'm going to write things down more, without caring if they work the first time. It could be any number of things, but I'm sick of getting great ideas in the middle of the night and deciding I'd rather sleep. "Rather sleep" seems to have been a rather unfortunate theme over the last few months. I'll need to start drinking more coffee this year, or doing more cocaine. One of the two.

8. On the subject of addictions, I really need to lay off the eBay. Because, damn. I do not need that many CDs. Either that, or I need to start selling them. Also, for a really funny essay about eBay, go to www.tomatonation.com. And sweet rolls.

9. Necessito mejorar mi espanol. Me voy a comprar Harry Potter y La Piedra Filosofal para practicar. Y despues, me voy a leer Doce Cuentos Peregrinos. Pues, la mitad de Doce Cuentos Peregrinos.

10. Last, but perhaps most importantly of all, because it fits in with a lot of the others: I am going to go dancing more this year. I love dancing and I am damn good at it, particularly when one considers how much inertia my big ass has. I don't care if its 80s, hip-hop, industrial, salsa, drum-and-bass, or even Britney-fuckin'-Spears (because, and part of me hates admitting this, that latest song of hers is not half bad, largely because it does not deal with how her heart is being torn apart because some guy has stopped hitting her). I just want to go shake my ass, burn some calories, wink to some hot guy in the corner, and not give a shit. That, to me, makes for a great year.

And then I'll come home for some tofu. Or an Australian guy. Then I'll write everything down afterwards.

Having said all this, my birthday is the 11th, and I have always let myself have the days between New Year's and my birthday as grace days. So I'm off to eat some meat, not talk to guys, and pass out. I've only got ten days left!

previous - next