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Santa Baby

2003-12-24 - 8:34 a.m.

Perhaps no Christmas song is more obnoxious than "My Grown-Up Christmas List." Like so many other Christmas songs written in the last few decades, it eschews visions of Santa and conspicuous consumption and Jesus and instead goes in for schmaltz laid on so thick that it would take an excavation team to get anything out of there. In this case, the assumption is that, upon the onset of maturity, one's Christmas thoughts turn away from dolls and action figures and ot the suffering of others. We read A Christmas Carol or The Little Match Girl or The Gift of the Magi and we throw a few dollars into the Salvation Army bucket. Therefore, our Christmas lists would need to reflect these sentiments. The only part of the song I remember is the chorus: "No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, and love would always win bah blah something something this is my grown up Christmas list."

Yeah, that song forces me to put Pepto Bismol on my list every time. Especially when its sung by American Idol contestants who were giving the start of the latest war a particularly annoying, jingoistic musical accompaniment in the form of that song that I hate to even mention. There are better songs of patriotism, and better songs for Christmas.

So, in response to this stupid song, I offer my own totally selfish, spoiled, I want everything I want when I want it and I want a pony too Grown-Up Christmas List (conveniently, there are twelve items, one for every day):

1. I want the Thouron Award and acceptance letters from University College London and Queen Mary University, so that I can spend the next two years out of this country and surrounded by people who speak with English accents 24/7.

2. I want a new metabolism that automatically turns the carbs I eat into bolts of pure energy that I can fire at any and all Austin drivers that try to cut me off. this way, I can lose weight and feel great. But I'll stay a vegetarian, though, because in case you hadn't noticed, we've got the Mad Cow Disease over here now. Veggie burgers not looking so bad now, are they?

3. I want to have houses (not huge ones, but nice ones) in Austin and Cuernavaca, and apartments (huge ones) in New York City and London. I want them to be decorated with the help of Thom from Queer Eye and Anna Ryder Richardson and Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen from Changing Rooms. Oliver Heath can decorate one of the houses if and only if he sleeps with me. A lot.

4. I want a book deal. More than that, I want to be able to write good books. I want the dedication necessary to write good books. I want Salman Rushdie and Tori Amos to say they like them.

5. I want the money to buy more good books, as well as more good music. Granted, I have a lot of these already, but they're like Pringles, or heroin. Once you pop, you just can't stop.

6. I want a walk on part in the last episode of Sex and the City, in a scene with Samantha. That way I can tell Kim Catrall that she's the coolest and we can go hit New York together, where her presence will attract more gay men than Orlando Bloom wearing only a strategically placed pride sticker.

7. I want Orlando Bloom. I'll give him back after a while.

8. I want Peter Jackson to make The Hobbit and I want to be in it. As fifth Laketown guy on the right, or something. No, as THE VOICE OF SMAUG! YES!!! That's the pinnacle of dorkdom, right there.

9. I want a Democratic presidential candidate to trounce Bush in the next election. I want Bush's new nickname to be Dubya Dukakis. Then I want there to be a reality show about him leaving his wife for Anna Nicole Smith. It would be ratings GOLD.

10. I want Jake 2.0 to be a Top 10 show and for Karen Sisco to come back. I join Alex Richmond in hoping that Christopher Gorham will host Saturday Night Live one day. He'd be funny, I promise!

11. I want sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I turn 24 next year, and I have always considered 25 to be the MUST GET SERIOUS age, so I would like to spend the year in a state of ridiculous debauchery, rolling and tripping and snogging and shagging and doing it all with good music in the background. I want to dance at clubs until 4am and then go watch the sun come up so high on god knows what that I convince myself that I can hear it burning the atmosphere, thereby causing me to run around hiding under rocks and screaming "You won't fry me, you bastard!" until I'm caught swimming in a neighbor's pool with the headlines the following day reading, "Pulitzer Prize Winner/Party Boy Pulls an Anne Heche!"

12. To prove that yes, I am a grown up, I want peace on Earth, goodwill towards men and women and the transgendered of all ages. I want Iraq to have a strong provisional government full of women in powerful positions and I want it yesterday. I want a US President who is willing to say that we will not do business with any dictators. I want cures for Alzheimer's, cancer, HIV, and even Mad Cow Disease. I want enivronmental responsibility. I want the right to get married and have kids, and for everyone to be a little less racist, sexist, and homophobic. I want us to find a better way of powering our country than oil. I want my musican friends to have hit records and my actor/director friends to have hit movies and plays. I want everyone to wake up tomorrow a little bit better off than they were yesterday, and for this to be a continuing trend.

And the pony. Don't forget the pony.

Happy Holidays!

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