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Bridezilla is PISSED!!!

2003-11-18 - 10:08 a.m.

I wanted to take the opportunity to invite all of you to my wedding.

Sure, some of you diaryland browser I may have never met before, but I've always felt that, when it comes to weddings, the more the merrier. If you give someone a glass of champagne and a piece of cake, they're bound to wish you well, and any marriage needs all the good wishes it can get. So I'll provide the booze as long as you lift it up and cheer at the appropriate times. If not, I'll have your ungrateful ass thrown out faster than you can say "trespa-."

My wedding is going to be fabulous. It's going to be at an old mission here in Texas. I'm not sure how I'm going to swing a gay wedding in a Catholic mission, but I think all it's gonna take is a few phone calls. I know people who know people. If I have to call some of my folks' friends in the waste management business, then that's just what I'll have to do. Considering the atrocities the Catholic Church has committed in the past 100 years alone, I have no qualms about walking into a church and saying, "That's an exquisite stained glass window; it would sure be a shame if something HAPPENED to it."

We'll have the ceremony out on the lawn, with an altar set up to get a good view of the old stonework. My colors are blush and bashful. Okay, no they're not, AT ALL, but I had to say that once. Steel Magnolias is a powerfully formative movie if you're gay and Southern, if only to show you that ostentatious weddings are a mistake. "You know what Daddy says: an ounce of pretension's worth a pound of manure." That movie scarred me for life. I can't look at rose-pink without thinking "the sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with pepto-bismol."

My actual colors will be blue-purple and white. I'll have mountain laurels in full bloom on either side of the altar. If you're allergic, you'll have to deal, because they're my favorite flower. There might also be some jasmine, again for a nice scent, and some blue hydrangeas for more color (if pink hydrangeas show up, the altar will also be decorated with the severed heads of the florist and any and all delivery persons). Any and all bunting will be 1) white and 2) kept to a minimum. I would, however, love a white gazebo-style altar built.

My wedding is going to be very "The Last Unicorn." Figures.

I am either going to have one bridesmaid or fifty of them. Considering the fact that I HATE when bridesmaids don't wear matching dresses (yes, I know that no one dress looks good on all women, but humiliating your friends is what makes a wedding special), I think I'm going to go with one. Actually, considering the make-up of wedding, it would be cool for both of us to have a groomsman and a bridesmaid. And I could have them switch clothes. I think any number of my male friends would be willing to wear fabulous drag for me. If they know what's good for them.

In addition to the smell of the flowers, there will be the smell of food, as I am having food brought out for the reception, which will also be on mission grounds, to tantalize everyone during the ceremony. It will be fancy Mexican, a Like Water for Chocolate wedding feast with plenty of vegetarian options. Rich moles de oaxaca, chiles rellenos, quails in rose petal sauce, and who knows what else will ensure that the ceremony proceeds along quickly. I think I'll fly Jackie Pestka down from Zocalo in Philly to cater everything. I definitely will.

The ceremony will be short. I don't want a lot of God stuff. I do, however, want readings. My mom will do the one Bible reading, and my friends and his will read various literary pieces about love. Oooh, my English prof can read the Auden poem she loves so much. Then we'll exchange rings and go dance and eat.

As for the dancing and eating, this will happen all. Night. Long! Ginger Leigh will perform for an hour or two (or I'll break her legs). After she plays, we'll cut the cake (black forest cherry cake with white chocolate icing, made by Marguerite). There will be a DJ afterwards, and maybe a salsa band. Sometime around 4am, the mariachis will come in accompanied by a big Mexican breakfast. Don't worry if you don't know the words; you'll be too drunk to care by this point.

Now I know what you're thinking: where's my grrom in all of this? Well, I have a confession to make; I'm not gay. I just pretend to be gay so that when I get married I get to be the bride. He is the groom, and therefore gets no say in anything whatsoever. This will be arranged in the pre-nup. We split all assets equitably, and he has no say in the wedding. Done!

Of course, this is not going to happen. Ever. Because as every state supreme court in the nation rules that denying marriage rights to gay and lesbian couple is un-fucking-constitutional, they then give the legislature time to amend the constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman. And the amendment is always passed. Just now in Massachusetts, arguably one of the most liberal states in the nation, the state courts have denied marriage licenses to a group of gay couples until the state legislature has time to amend the constitution.

What exactly did we ever do to you? What is the horrible atrocity that is committed when two people who happen to have the same goddamn genitals decide that, hey, they actually love one another enough that they want to bring together their friends and families to witness their decision to live their lives together, to make their decisions based not simply on their own needs, but on the needs of their newborn family? What would happen if we gave these people in love the same rights and protections as heterosexual people who have married for money, for green cards, for tax purposes, because the woman was pregnant, because their families wanted them to get married, because they figure they'll never find anyone who'll treat them right and they want to settle down, or because it seemed like a good idea under the influence of 10 tequila shots (quick aside: the tequila at my wedding will be top-notch and free)? Would it result in divorce, in adultery, in spousal abuse, in the oppression of women, in children born solely for the sake of keeping a family together, or just in men and women being stuck with someone they've stopped loving until one of them finally dies? Because in case you haven't noticed, that happens already, and it's been happening since the cavemen bonked one another over their heads and said "Ugg do!"

If I ever have a wedding--and as I am by my nature picky and polyamorous, I have my doubts--it will not be an empty gesture. It will damn well be a wedding where as soon as the reverend says "Husband and Husband," I get the tax breaks, the legal protections, and status as part of a married couple. If this means I'll have to tie the knot in Canada or the Netherlands, then you guys will just have to hop in a car or on a plane. Plus, if I get hitched in Amsterdam I'll have an open hash bar! If you thought Mexican food was good before, wait'll you have it after a hit of high-end blueberry. You may not remember the wedding, but you'll surely have a hell of a time.

Before I end this entry, if you click on the banner down below you can listen to every track on Tori's new Best of Album, Tales of a Librarian, in stores today or downloadable on iTunes. The new songs, "Angels" and "Snow Cherries from France," are both incredible. And "Jackie's Strength" is totally getting played at my wedding. Played live by Tori herself, along with her cover of "Here, There and Everywhere," if I have anything to say about it. Hee hee hee!

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