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Blue Balls: The Silent Killer

2003-11-03 - 8:24 a.m.

OKay, so billing hasn't started yet and everyone is in a meeting except RRZ in the harrowing role of Phone Boy and I'm going to try to get off a quick one before I am bound in the unholy shackles of QuickBooks.

Speaking of getting off a quick one, this entry will be all about jerking off. If you are too fastidious for this kind of humor, I completely understand why you might refrain from reading the rest of this entry. However, rest assured that I will do my best to refrain from the specifics. Nevertheless, I feel this is an important issue that needs to be addressed by this diary, which I see as something of a consciousness-raising document for those fortunate enough to read it.

Because a recent study from Australia shows that masturbation prevents prostate cancer. It is nothing more or less than a flushing out of the system, and apparently if you leave the little guys in there they just get bored and give you cancer because they're pissed off. They're like petulant children, really. Well, I suppose they're each like half a petulant child, so when two of them gang up together they should not be left to their own devices. Talk about immature: they're not even conceived yet!

Also, can you imagine what two Y chromosome guys would be like hanging out together? I mean, every male you know has one X chromosome. Imagine what sort of unmitigated maleness would be present in two Y chromosomes together. Maybe that's how daughters are born in the first place; Y chromosomes are smaller and therefore allow the little guy in question to swim faster, so by that logic boys should be born with much greater frequency. It could be that all the Y chromosomes eventually beat the crap out of one another and the girls all just swim to safety.

By the way, don't e-mail me with the real reason why little girls are born even though little Y-chromosomes swim faster, I know why, thanks. Comedy, people!

Anyways, I find all this especially interesting because this is, perhaps, the first conclusive evidence about the truth of blue balls (On a quick side note, there was a whole scene about blue balls on Carnivale last night, and I just wanted to take the opportunity to advise people once again to give that show another chance, because it has stopped being dull and obvious. Also, a blind, evil clairvoyant going down on the Bearded Lady is a sight to warm even the hardest heart). Now, I have thankfully never had to deal with a guy pulling the whole "If I don't send the troops out they mutiny" argument involving infections and toxification and, God forbid, balls actually turning blue. Most of that is because I'm slutty, but I always felt that, were I ever to be in such a situation, I would have to laugh in the guy's face and refuse to sleep with him simply because that sounded so lame and stupid. Yet there are women out there who apparently fall for this obtuse manipulation and have sex solely to ensure the man's health and safety, or perhaps simply because it would take less time than cleaning up were his balls actually to explode.

Who knew that blue balls were a real condition?

Now, before you ladies start wondering how many men you've killed over the years, remember that this is a study of masturbation, not sex. Sex, after all, carries its own load of problems, many of which cause prostate cancer. Therefore, the best way for the boys to keep the pipes clean is to clean them themselves.

So if a guy ever pulls The Blue Balls Defense on you, remind him that you do your own breast checks, thank you very much, so you would not presume to do his daily prostate cleansing. You're thinking of him, really. Well, you're thinking about the staying power and sexual prowess of men willing to try the Blue Ball Defense, at any rate.

Of course, there is no word on the importance of masturbation for women, which I find unfortunate. I mean, I think I've met one guy in my life who claims to not masturbate, and that's just the claim. Almost every guy in the world figures out that he is the master of his domain (and that, as master, he can change the religion of his domain and thus avoid "your hand's gonna fall off" guilt) by fifteen. I have known many women, however, who claim to not masturbate, to not enjoy it, that they don't know how to do it, or that they are even disgusted by the idea of doing it.

Ladies, on behalf of all straight men in America and around the world, please get over this immediately. I feel that lesbians have less of a problem in this arena, but if there is a lesbian masturbation crisis I stand corrected and in a state of profound befuddlement.

I ask this on behalf of men for two reasons. The first of these is as follows: if you learn to masturbate, you'll stop wondering why we do it so much. I've been reading a lot of Dan Savage lately, and there have been a number of letters from women who seem incapable of understanding why their boyfriends/husbands continue to masturbate and enjoy pornography even when they have a life partner. Now, Savage argued that this was because men (and women) are inherently non-monogamous, and the use of pornography and fantasy is a way for the monogamous to channel that desire in a way that will keep them from betraying their loved ones. This, of course, begs the question of why slutty people also masturbate. Here's my theory, one that this scientific study supports: masturbation is not necessarily a substitute for sex. When I have sex with someone, I am all about their pleasure. I want it to last and involve a heck of a lot more than just the climax. Sometimes, I just plain don't want to have to deal with all that. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. If a guy just needs to get the pipes cleaned, let him do it himself. As long as he has time and energy for you, it's all going to be okay.

The other reason why I speak on behalf of men is this: my limited experience with vaginas has taught me that they are complex creatures which require much intensive study in order to be properly cared for. They're like orchids, or pandas, in that regard. While there are some men who couldn't care less about it, there are so many more who want to care for and love the vagina. Yet it remains a mystery, an epic written in an unknown language. And it is up to women to translate. Men want to know that they're good lovers, and they are often willing to take constructive criticism. Feel free to give directions at any point. However, how will men ever know what women desire if women do not know what they themselves desire. Explore your own bodies, ladies; don't be afraid. It will relieve the stress of the day and make for better lovemaking at night. What's good for the body is good for the soul, after all. If you don't learn to please yourself, no one will ever be able to please you.

The truth is that I rarely give creedence to science. It often serves to support dominant political and philsophical paradigms. However, I support anything that speaks to the virtues of mastering one's domain. So, ladies, gentlemen, and the transgendered of all ages, next time you have a stressful day, go home and put on the Divinyls.

And get down with your badass self.

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