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SHGM, 23, Seeks Total Nerd for Hot Sex, LTR

2003-09-24 - 8:06 a.m.

In the movie American Pie 2, Natasha, the sexy Russian student, is hot for Jim, piefucker extraordinaire. Just as they are finally going to consummate their passion without Jim coming quicker than a bad sequel, he realizes that his true love is Michelle, the girl who made a flute into a dildo and him into a man, after, of course, making him into her bitch. He races off to band camp and, after wishing him well, Natasha finds herself alone and wonders "When do I get my geek?"

Oh, I feel you, Natasha, I feel you. You're not alone, honey. Sometimes, after a long hard day when all I want is someone to snuggle up to and bitch about the sorry state of the universe with, I wonder, "When do I get my geek?"

Some gay boys--not all, but some--dream of Adonis, the perfect male beauty, abs that can be seen through a black t-shirt and cheekbones that could cut glass. They want the male model, the prom king, an athlete who isn't so athletic that he breaks a sweat or worse, falls down and gets a scar. The guy doesn't necessarily have to be that masculine, because it's a lot more about being seen than being heard.

Other boys--not all, but others--want Hercules, all masculinity and muscles. They want no voice higher than a baritone, no chest smaller than a watermelon. They want the superhero action figure, complete with jawline and kung-fu grip. No swishiness allowed; the guy can dance to Erasure, but it's considered bad form if he lip synchs.

Me, I think I'd prefer Archimedes, the kinda guy who can discover water displacement and then get so excited about it that he runs outside buck naked and only realizes it later. Granted, times have changed, and he would 1) have to discover something about quantum mechanics in order to be impressive and 2) he'd probably get arrested and then I'd have to bail him out saying "Sorry, officer, this happens every time he reads Discovery in the tub," but that's the kinda guy that just melts my heart.

Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't throw Orlando Bloom or Heath Ledger out of my bed if I found them there. But if I had to pick between either of them and say, Ed Norton, there would be no contest. Although I might slip Orlando a note with my number in case things with Ed didn't work out.

I think one of the reasons I want a nerd is because I myself am a nerd. True, I have no passion for math (see previous entries) and, while I find a lot of science fascinating and certainly click over to science news on MSN, there's too much math for me to pursue it (and I think quantum physics is a big lie, but that's a whole other rant). But I think I'm enough of a humanities geek to be a nerd, and I have so many symptoms of nerdiness. I can name my favorite sci-fi, fantasy, and comic book writers. I can quote numerous Monty Python sketches ("I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.") and episodes of MST3K ("The whole room smells like my eyes."). I am a Trekkie, with options on a Babylon Fivie and a Farscapie. I list, among my favorite middle school moments, singing They Might Be Giants with my 7th grade math teacher on the bus to a field trip (Ms. Trinnamen, if you're out there, you rule!). I write an online journal, for God's sake. If that doesn't make you a nerd, nothing will.

I remember the first nerdy boy I had a thing for, before I knew I was even into boys. There was this kid, whom we'll call "Mason" because it rhymes with his actual name, whom I met in line for lunch when I was taking the scholarship competition that would mean I'd go to my private high school for free (didn't get it). I thought to myself, "I hope this guy doesn't come here, because all the girls will fall in love with him." And then he did show up, and none of the girls did, and I was like "What is their problem? He's intelligent, sweet, has a great sense of humor, and is gorgeo . . . wait a minute." Eventually I learned two truths. First of all, the Life of Brian references and the dry wit that I found so hysterical marked Mason as a nerd, as did the fact that he was in all honors classes. Second, I figured out that, although a life-saving gaydar that was good as subconsciously telling me who was straight kept me from actually falling for Mason, I knew that he was the kind of guy I was looking for. He made me laugh. He wrote beautifully and could take the derivative of an equation like a badass motherfucker. I knew I needed to find me one for myself, only in gay.

Then came "Flint."

To this day, I wonder if my gaydar was right, and that it was just his oppressively religious background that kept him from his true nature, but I'm pretty sure that Flint was so nerdy and so wonderful that he just shorted out my gaydar and then shorted out my heart. Flint was a friend of many friends of mine who went to a different high school. Flint directed a high school production of Waiting for Godot. Flint scored even higher than I did on the SATs, and I made that test my bitch. Flint had these dark eyes that, when you looked into them, showed the gears spinning at 100 mph in his head. Flint was a total, hopeless dork and every time I saw him I could barely keep myself from dropping to my knees.

In admiration, you perverts.

I got over Flint when I got to college, where I found myself another total nerd to fawn over. However, this time I decided I was done with sitting around, pining for a boy that could rescue me from a crashing hard-drive. I discovered that there's a whole subset of nerds, one that, at least in college, is often ready to try things they've never tried before, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

I am speaking, of course, of techies.

I was very adventurous, in college, and took advantage of other boys' adventurous natures. Sure, there were actors that I wanted to land, and that I even did land on occasion, as almost every actor has at least the potential to swing both ways, and far too often actors just want to lie there and be worshipped, and I wanted to be their lover, not their audience. However, there were also techies interested in seeing if I stood behind the promises I made while feeling drunk and arrogant. And when one needed comforting after breaking up witha girlfriend, or when another was feeling like proving their manhood the way the Ancient Greeks did, I learned the most important thing that any theatre person should now.

Techies now how to fuck. Can I get an amen?

I think it's true of all nerds. In fact, one of the Revenge of the Nerds movies features a nerd saying that the problem with jocks is that all they ever think about is sports, whereas all nerds ever think about is sex. This is very true, and something to be remembered by every high school girl who wonders why her lacrosse boyfriend just isn't doing it for her. Intelligence is a quality that extends through all areas of life, including the bedroom.

Right now, there don't seem to be as many nerds to be found for a boy like me. It doesn't help matters that the scene from Piefucker 2 that I described in the beginning would never happen in real life. You see, I am a Michelle, and band geek who knows that life's too short to not teach a fellow geek how to kiss, and who firmly believes in practical lessons. And all the geeks I've wanted have wanted a Natasha. It kinda sucks, but I keep my hopes up.

In the meantime, I have my hairdresser, a gorgeous boy with a nose ring who gives scalp massages that have me fighting really hard not to curl my toes. I need to stop wearing sandals when I get my hair cut, is what I got to do. I found out he had a girlfriend yesterday, which I kinda figured, so I was okay. It didn't help, however, that I also found out that he owned The Dark Crystal on DVD.

I also have my celebrity nerds. My Teddykins on Queer Eye is one of my favorites now. He has the same sense of humor Mason had, which is one of the reasons why I find him so damn sexy. Last night, Carson accidently cut my poor widdle Teddy's head with a corkscrew (don't ask) and Teddy's respone was a Black Night inflected "It's only a flesh wound!" I just about melted right then and there. It's all over, actually, I'm just going to have to go up to New York and convince him and his boyfriend that what they really need in their relationship is a third. Because I don't believe in breaking up relationships.

But there's another nerd on TV that's caught my eye, and he's going to be on tonight (what perfect timing . . .). Now, I know that most of the people I talk to are avid West Wingers, and I totally understand. There's plenty of hot nerd-on-nerd action on that show, although none of the men there are hotter than supa-bad-ass Allison Janney and supa-dupa-bad-ass Stockard Channing, but that's another story. However, let the VCR or the TiVo watch The West Wing tonight, and turn your tv set to UPN and watch Jake 2.0, which is surprisingly good. In this show, an IT guy over at the NSA gets infected with nanites that turn him into a combination of Superman and Neo from the Matrix. He's got adrenaline induced superstrength, superspeed, and supersenses, and he can interface with technology telepathically. As if that didn't make him hot enough, he's played by this tall, skinny boy with messy hair and puppy dog eyes, and he listens to punk rock (or at least had punk posters in the first episode). Right now, it has the potential to be a Buffy. Sadly, it also has the potential to be an Enterpise. However, as long as Jake's around, I'll have sweet dreams every Wednesday night about a boy, a bottle of champagne, a Pixies CD on the stereo, and a computer that desperately needs to be defragged. A job like that could take all night . . .

And of course, until that dream becomes a reality, I will

"Always look on the bright side of life (Woo-hoo, woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo)" Everybody! "Always look on the bright side of life (woo-hoo, woo-hoo-woo-hoo-woo-hoo.)"

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