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Bitch-Slapping The Funny

2003-09-11 - 4:19 p.m.

After less than twenty entries, I have run out of funny.

The funny has left the building.

Yes, we have no funny. We have no funny today.

Funny went and fucked off, hardcore.

I called Funny on the cell phone:

Me: So, where the hizell are you?

Funny: Wuh?

Me: Are you still asleep?

Funny: Yeah, dude, why are you calling?

Me: Um, call me crazy but you were supposed to show up today.

Funny: I was?

Me: Yeah, there was a lot of stuff I needed you for.

Funny: But I thought I got the day off.

Me: Why in the name of Sophia Petrillo did you think that?

Funny: Hey! Don't take a Golden Girl's name in vain!

Me: Oh honey, I did not! I was entirely serious. I've got me some Sophia AND Dorothy here wondering why you weren't ready, willing, and able at the office with the snark.

Funny: Well, I thought I'd have the day off since it's, well you know.

Me: Well, I know WHAT?

Funny: It's that day where I'm supposed to stay home.


Funny: Look at the calendar.

Me: Oh, do not. Do not even. Do not DARE pull that crap with me. Today of all days, as an American, you should have reported to work.

Funny: But today is not supposed to be a Funny Day.

Me: Oh whatever. If we're not laughing, the terrorists won.

Funny: No, if we laugh at today, the terrorists will just attack again, because they hate it when people laugh.

Me: Um, no, the terrorists win if we don't go along our usual merry way.

Funny: Shyeah, it's our decadent lifestyle and tendency to laugh at things that got us here in the first place.

Me: Terrorists winning! Terrorists winning because you're not here!

Funny: Look, even other Diaryland entries are being serious today.

Me: Look at me! Look at me! I'm a terrorist and nobody's laughing at that makes me happy! La la la la la!

Funny: Oh whatever! Besides, shouldn't you be applying to graduate schools even as you type this.

Me: Again, to quote Tom Cruise, "Now more than ever." How can I possibly write an essay about why it is absolutely necessary for me to study in London when I pretty much just want to go there to go clubbing and meet cute guys with accents if I don't have The Funny?

Funny: This Diary is eating up way too much of your time.

Me: Okay then, I'll stop, but then where will you be?

Funny: Hey dude, I'll be fine. I'll just show up at bars and parties and get my groove on with the hot boyz! Aw, yeah!

Me: Okay. Fine. Be that way.

Funny: Thanks.

Me: I'll just write with Seriousness and Drama.

Funny: What?

Me: Seriousness and Drama. They hang out here plenty. They've been calling me lately and I've been thinking of having them come over and do some work.

Funny: Wait a minute, WHAT?!

Me: You know, I actually just e-mailed someone I thought I'd never talk to again. Drama would totally be into working with me on that one. And Seriousness would be all about an entry on body image and self esteem. I just watched Real Women Have Curves last night, and if you're not willing to talk about it, I'm sure they will.

Funny: Yeah, but, I mean, no one reads that!

Me: Sure they do. Almost all the diaries on here feature Drama and Seriousness a lot more than you. Maybe I've been handling this the wrong way. Maybe, just maybe, I should have gone with Drama and Seriousness all along. They listen! They're always there for me! Unlike some people I could mention.

Funny: . . . You are not going with Drama and Seriousness.

Me: Maybe I am.

Funny: NO, you're NOT!


Funny: Look, I am sorry I didn't come in today. I figured you'd want to say something political or whatever, and I'd just be in the way.

Me: Don't pull that passive agressive crap with me, Mister! You know how sick to death I am of all these "let's be serious and patriotic" stories.

Funny: Ha ha! See! You'll never go with Serious.

Me: But I'll go with Dra-ma!

Funny: . . .

Me: And Seriousness comes along for the ride every time. I can just imagine them, by my side, giving my writing depth and eloquence . . .

Funny: Ugh, excuse me while I throw up.

Me: I won't even miss you.

Funny: Look, I've been sick lately. I'll try to show up tomorrow.

Me: Oh, you'd better. I have Drama on the line and Drama says that every little thing that happens to me is important. Drama makes me feel like everything I do is epic. So you better be there.

Funny: I will. I will. I'm sorry. Buds?

Me: . . . We'll see, bihatch. We'll see.

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previous - next

The End - 2005-02-11
Let's Go on With the Show - 2005-01-30
The Curse, and This Bee's a Keeper - 2005-02-01
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