2003-08-11 - 1:32 p.m.

If you have never gone seen www.gossiplist.com, go there now.

It's the most wonderful site ever. Well, okay, it's not at all, but it's a big compendium of all the celebrity gossip that they don't show on access Hollywood. The stuff the publicists don't want you to hear.

Okay, I'm going to share some of my favorites from this site. I do not pretend to claim that these tidbits are true in any way. In fact, they are in all likelihood a pack of vicious lies, and the following should not be taken seriously in any way.

First of all, almost everyone involved in Lord of the Rings was gay. Yes, we all know about Ian McKellan. But did you know that Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (Merry Brandybuck) are apparently living together? That's the cutest thing I've ever heard. I want them to have a little Hobbit wedding and I want to go. Everyone in costume, Cate Blanchett in extensions down to her butt, it would be awesome. I wish them all the best. But that's not the best part, oh no. The best part is that Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom apparently got it on during filming.

THAT'S MY DREAM!!! Aragorn and Legolas. Having sex. PLEASE tell me they kept their hair on while they were doing it. Not that Pirates of the Caribbean didn't prove that Orlando Bloom was every bit as sexy as a brunette. I've decided it's time to go to California and find Orlando Bloom. I'm not going to stalk him, don't worry. Unless he refuses to sleep with me.

However, before I go, I can apparently pay a visit to Matthew McConahagheagaugheyghy who also bats for my team. He lives in my neighborhood! Or at least he did. And technically, it's my dad's neighborhood. But I can certainly wander over to his house and offer my services free of charge. I know what you're thinking, but remember that Mattie McC was in Dazed and Confused before any of his sucky movies, and that makes him emminently doable.

There are, of course, many other men listed as gay or bisexual on this site, including many if not most males involved in Baywatch and a couple of notable hip-hop moguls. However, all of these pale in comparison to the two most interesting ones: George Takei and Sherman Helmsley. That's right, Mr Sulu and George Jefferson both smoke the pole. I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle the mental images I got after finding that out.

The only mental image that's worse? Apparently, James Van Der Fivehead was in love . . . with his onscreen DAD!!! EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Of course, far be it from me to ignore the women-identified women on this list. First of all, there may not be any straight women in hip-hop, which I think is the coolest thing ever. Missy, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keyes, Tweet, and Blu Cantrell are all listed on this site as being lesbians or bisexuals. This excites me to no end. For one thing, it explains the D.R.A.M.A. in Alicia Keyes' and Blue Cantrell's music. It also means that my list of queer women singers I love is twice as long as I thought. To Ani, Melissa (Ferrick and Etheridge), Ginger Leigh (www.gleigh.com), and the Indigo Girls I can now add Missy and the gang. Woo-hoo!

However, even these women cannot compare to the hottest lesbian relationships listed. The first was Madonna and Tea Leoni. I dare men not to fantasize about that one. Then there's Jodie Foster and Gina Shock of The Go-Go's. That's some apocalyptic level of coolness right there. They had to break up so the world wouldn't implode.

Of course, many celebrities are as hetero as can be, but that doesn't mean they're not weird or slutty. My personal favorite has to be Meryl, who is described as being "notorious" in regards to shagging her male costars. Okay, who WOULDN'T want to shag Meryl Streep. Yes, I know she's getting up there, but she's the most talented actress ever. I would think that anyone who worked with her would be in love with her talent alone (and I've known enough theatre people to tell you that talent will turn them on more than anything else, with the possible exception of drugs). Just one more reason why I want to be Meryl Streep. Two Oscars and more notches on her headboard than Warren Beatty. How cool is that?

Drug use is also a big topic on the site. My favorite drug story involves Christopher Walken toking it up BETWEEN SCENES while performing in Coriolanus. While I actually find that disrespectful as all Hell, being an actor/director myself, I also find it screamingly funny.

For all you Sex and the City fans, do not approach Kristin Davis, aka Charlotte York-MacDougal-Goldenblatt. She is apparently EEEEVIL to fans and hair/make-up peeps. Whereas Kim Catrall is cool, because the episode where she has the disastrous chemical peel was based on one of her real life experiences, and if that doesn't show a sense of humor about yourself, I don't know what does. As for Carrie, SJP's marriage to Matthew Broderick is apparently open.

Additional meanies include Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Lisa Kudrow. Both of these make me very sad. Tobey Maguire being mean? Couldn't care less.

For the record, I met Paul Rudd once and he was VERY nice to me and everyone else. As was Gretchen Mol, who was also there (this was after London showing of The Shape of Things), but Paul Rudd really went out of his way to be cool to people. It's just one of the reasons why I'm in love with him. Also, for the record, Rachel Weisz ducked out without saying hi (understandable) while Neil LaBute was obviously very shy.

Back to naughty things on the website. Baby Spice was apprently ordered by Simon Fuller, the man who brought us the Spice Girls AND American Idol, to scream out "GIRL POWER!" whenever she came. When he was screwing her, of course. I don't know if she was required to do that at all times. However, I will now be screaming that every time I orgasm.

Finally, to all my fellow lovers of musical theatre: Steven Sondheim has an S/M dungeon in his apartment. From now on, I will be writing him every day until he dies, pestering him to write an S/M musical. I think it would win every Tony there is, as well as a Pulitzer Prize. Then it would be performed in high schools and colleges all over the country.

This fall, Penn Players presents:

"Into the Chains!"

"Backside Story!"

"Sunday in the Park with Master!"

"Ass-assins!"

"Company (Put Away the Whips!)!"

And any of those would be more cheerful than Sweeney Todd.

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