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I speak whale!

2003-08-07 - 8:11 a.m.

Apparently, people in Ireland will now be able to talk to dolphins. On cell phones.

What sort of conversations can you have with a dolphin on a cell phone? --------------------------------

"Hey, Frank, can get I some projections on StarKist tuna for this quarter?"


"Shit, I need to get to my investors before they buy. Okay, what's the story on Red Lobster?"


"Oh, Frank, why you gotta bust my ass, ain't there any good shit I can take to the table?"


"Thank friggin Jesus! I'll see how many shares of Long John Silver I can get before 11am. Thanks Frank, you da man!"


"Sorry, you da 'phin!"


------------------------------ "Okay, so there I was at the party and I totally didn't think Josh was gonna be there? But he was? And he totally said "Hey" to me."


"I KNOW!!!"


"Well, he said it kinda like "Hey" like, "Hey, you're that girl from my Geometry class," but also kinda "Hey, I remember dancing next to you at the Vines concert," and I don't know, do you think he's into me?"


"Well, yeah, I know he was totally dating Jennifer like, last month? But he broke up with her? Yeah, because he found out she had a crush on Michael, and . . . Oh! Oh my God! Turn on TRL CLAY AIKEN IS TOTALLY ON TRL RIGHT NOW!!!"





----------------------- "NYAAAAKEEEK!"

"Oh yeah, baby, now I have my hand on your dorsal fin and I'm rubbing it hard and fast."


"Mmmm, yeah, give me that blowhole, give me that blowhole, oh baby, yes!"


"Yeah! Yeah! Tell me that I'm bigger than Shamu. Tell me I'm your sperm whale! Yeah, baby! OHHHHHHYEAAAAAAAAH!"

Don't look so shocked. You know there is someone out there with a dolphin fetish.

Actually, this whole thing is apparently designed to allow people to 1) know when dolphin are in the bay area so that dolphin watchers won't go out for no reason and 2) to relax people in traffic and other stressful areas.

Now, these people are obviously confusing whale song with dolphin noises. Fortunately, these people will not be confused for long. One phone call should be all it takes.

For the record, I believe that dolphins and other cetaceans are probably very intelligent. There was a report a while ago that claimed to have discovered syntax within humpback whale song. I hope one day we can communicate with these beautiful creatures.

Of course, once we do, we'll start charging them for phone service. And they'll probably have panic attacks whenever they hear about "interNET" service.

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